Rick Reilly Sucks: 25 Things About Reilly
This is from a post on Reilly’s (not)blog on ESPN. For the record, Reilly hates bloggers, as you’ll see here and like a billion other places: “I don’t really go on the blogs, because they don’t really like anybody,” he said. “Jesus could do a column and they’d be like, ‘What the hell is with the hair?’ It’ll always be something.” Hmm…I bet Jesus wouldn’t write an article with out-dated pop-culture references, bad puns, and weak metaphors, all slathered with a rich coat of self-importance.
Anyway, the whole 25 Things craze left Facebook awhile ago, and this post is from February, but it’s worth dissecting. So without further ado:
As popularized on Facebook, let me be the 100 millionth American to tell you “25 Random Things About Me.”
(1) I was once on the game show “Scrabble,” hosted by Chuck Woolery. Won $3,000.
Excellent. That’s kind of a cool fact.
(2) Reggie Jackson once threatened to throw me out of his private plane over the Hopi Indian Reservation in northwest Arizona. He wasn’t kidding.
When you say he wasn’t kidding in that way, it kind of, sort of implies that he DID throw you out of his private jet. Still, you can’t really blame Mr. October, can you? I just wish Rick would have let us know what he said to Reggie.
(3) I’ve holed shots from the fairway six times but never had a hole-in-one.
Well, he did get a fake hole-in-one a few months after this was written.
(4) I’m allergic to dogs, cats, horses, cows, sheep, everything. Covering the Kentucky Derby just about kills me.
Well, I don’t think anyone would mind if you stopped covering the Kentucky Derby.
(5) When I was 19, I worked the graveyard shift at Lavito’s All-Night Sandwich Shop in Escondido, Calif., where there was a baseball bat under the cash register in case we got robbed.
Hey, he’s just like us!
(6) I really hate to write. Abhor it. I write at restaurants and bars, so I don’t feel so abjectly alone.
Really?!?! YOU, Mr. 11-Time Sportswiter of the Year, hate to write!?! That’s funny, because I hate that you write, too. We should grab a coffee sometime. Seriously, though, doesn’t this shed some light on the whole Rick-Reilly-sucks-at-writing situation. He hates it, so chances are he is just mailing it in. And he writes all his stuff at bars, so he’s probably trashed half the time. This truly is an epiphany.
(7) I originally tried to be a broadcaster, but the guy said my voice was too nasal.
Somehow this translates to your writing as well.
(8) I’m married to the 1980 Junior Miss California.
That’s a nice little ballet move you’re doing there, Rick. You should have been a dancer.
(9) President Gerald Ford once stepped on my foot.
(10) I was once in a car with Charles Barkley when the steering wheel came off in his hands. Yes, he was sober.
(11) Howard Cosell is the biggest jerk I ever met. Nasty, nasty guy.
(12) I can do magic tricks, just enough to annoy people.
Just like you know how to write just enough to annoy people. I’m seeing a trend here.
(13) My brother gives me an amazing amount of good column ideas.
firerickreillysbrother.com is still available.
(14) I’ve never covered the Indy 500, but in 31 years of sportswriting, I guess I’ve covered everything else.
Indy 500, we’d like to extend you an invitation to become a board member of FireRickReilly.
(15) I’ve been a grocery bagger, rental-shop clerk, lawn mower, book packer, 7-Eleven cashier, flower deliverer, bank teller, gas jockey and car washer.
All jobs to which you are more suited than your current occupation. Also, what in the hell is a book packer?
(16) When I first started out at Sports Illustrated at 27, I was so nervous I had to be hospitalized twice with stomach ulcers.
(17) My sons have strawberry hair and my daughter is from Korea. They are much cooler than me.
Well, at least one of his sons is just as lame.
(18) I was so short in ninth grade that the jocks used to pick on me. Then I grew 10 inches in two and a half years.
(19) I won a writing contest in first grade and they put my story up in a bank window.
I’d like to meet his first grade teacher and show her what a monster she created.
(20) The moment North Carolina State upset Houston in Albuquerque in the 1983 NCAA basketball final is the loudest sound I’ve ever heard.
(21) Tiger Woods sometimes gooses me when he passes from behind.
This is insanely creepy. From Meriam-Webster:
1.) It’s creepy that Tiger does this.
2.) It’s creepy that Rick apparently doesn’t mind this
3.) It’s creepy that Rick tells us this.
(22) I once drove a 1965 Volvo with a hole in the floorboard so big you could watch the road go by under your feet.
I guess there’s nothing wrong with this, but Rick’s continued attempts to come off as a just a regular guy piss me off. The guy makes $10 million to do nothing. He is not a regular guy. Don’t get sucked in.
(23) I often wish I’d been Harry Connick, Jr.…Or Bill Gates Jr.
You might be the only person in the world who wishes he was Harry Connick, Jr. Seriously? That’s odd man, real odd.
(24) I’ve been to every state but North Dakota.
Who wants to move to North Dakota? There’s nothing there, but it remains unsullied by Rick Reilly.
(25) Person I’d most like to meet: Dave Barry.
Eh…OK. I’ve got no problem with that.