Gene Wojciechowski: Bird Brain

Since Rick Reilly rarely has to work, there are going to be some down times in between his columns. So I’m just going to cherry-pick some other stupid writing out there. Today, this column from Gene Wojciechowski. It’s a shame, too, because for no other reason than his first name, Mr. W always brings to mind this guy. And this guy makes me happy.

But, alas, it is not he. Without further ado, get ready to slog through one of the worst columns ever written about the Hall of Fame. Seriously.

SAN DIEGO CHICKEN DESERVES CALL TO THE HALL

When I first read the title, I thought this was going to be a light-hearted puff piece, which, by the way, I have absolutely no problem with. But, it’s not a light-hearted puff piece.

My nominee for the National Baseball Hall of Fame has webbed feet and a beak that makes Nomar Garciaparra’s schnoz look like a button nose.

Jorge Posada? That’s a defensible choice.

Jorge's nose throws off his equilibrium.

 But the guy keeps putting up Cooperstown-worthy numbers. He has 35 years in the game, has never missed a single one of his 20,000-plus starts and has never clucked about getting sent to the minors. He’s a pro’s pro.

Hmmm….I don’t think Posada’s been around that long. Are we talking about Warren Spahn? Cause I think he’s already in. Of course, we already know who he’s talking about. It’s the San Diego Chicken, of course!

 But loyalty means something to my Hall of Fame nominee. So does integrity, which is why he’s never chowed down on growth hormone. And I guarantee you he isn’t on the list of the 104 cheaters who tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003.

Good for him. Probably because he didn’t get tested. Maybe he was on steroids. But he didn’t get tested, because he’s not a player. He’s…..

 My guy? Ted Giannoulas, aka the San Diego Chicken.

You’re kidding, right, Gene? Surely this is a whimsical way to highlight the Chicken’s presence in baseball for the last 35 years.

 “They’ve got a players’ wing [in the Hall of Fame],” Giannoulas said. “They’ve got a broadcasters’ wing. And I hope one day they’ll have a chicken wing.”

Hey, Giannoulas! Are you Rick Reilly’s joke writer? I’ve got my eye on you.

 Given the choice between one of those celebrated cheaters or the Chicken, I’ll take the Chicken for the Hall of Fame every time. I’m serious. I’d vote for Giannoulas, or a lifer major league scout, or a lifer coach (scouts and coaches have taken the Cooperstown oh-fer) before I’d waste a smidgen of ballot ink on the PEDers.

See, I thought this was kind of a joke article. But Gene himself tells us it’s not a joke. He is serious. Serious about his ridiculous mascots. Your vote should be taken away immediately.

 I don’t care how many home runs were hit by Barry Bonds (eligible for induction in 2013), Rafael Palmeiro (2011), Sammy Sosa (2013), Mark McGwire (eligible since 2007) or Alex Rodriguez and Manny Ramirez (eligible five years after they retire). I don’t care how many wins Roger Clemens (2013) compiled. Their numbers — at least a portion of them — are forever tainted. The Steroids Seven were undone by their greed and their narcissism.

You’re laying it on pretty thick there. Listen, we could argue forever about whether or not these guys should be in the Hall of Fame, but guess who definitely should not be in the Hall of Fame? I’ll give you two guesses…………………..If you said the San Diego Chicken, then you are correct.

 Meanwhile, the 55-year-old Giannoulas happily crisscrosses the country in search of smiles. I found him in Georgia on Friday night at a Gwinnett Braves Triple-A game. The next night, he was in Buffalo, followed by Shreveport, La. In July, he’ll take his act to Pensacola, Fla.; Salt Lake City; Portland, Ore.; Albuquerque, N.M.; Anchorage and Fairbanks, Alaska; Indianapolis; and Fort Worth and Frisco, Texas, for minor league gigs.

Guess how many of these cities actually have Major League baseball teams, with Major League players, for whom the Hall of Fame is intended. If you said zero, then you would be correct. So the Chicken doesn’t even work for a Major League baseball team all the time. He’s a mercenary out to make money, just like the evil, steroid-using, baseball-hating Barry Bonds (more on that soon)! Very interesting.

 ”A guy in a chicken suit can have such a catalytic effect on people,” he said. “We as a country have the best sense of humor in the world. I’m waddling proof of that.”

I’m pretty sure that Giannoulas is being a good sport here, tongue-in-cheekily stringing Old Man Wojciechowski along. I’m not positive, but I’m fairly certain. I mean, I’m sure the guy loves what he does, and that’s awesome. I bet he even makes a lot of kids at the ballpark happy, too. But that should never get someone into the Hall of Fame. That’s like saying the beer man, who’s been working for 35 years should be inducted into the Hall of Fame. He should not.

 If Bowie Kuhn can make the Hall of Fame, so can the San Diego Chicken. In fact, the HOF once requested one of his costumes and used it in a traveling exhibit.

Bowie Kuhn was a comissioner, and there’s a place for those people in the Hall. And exhibits are fine, but please, let’s just stop there. The San Diego Chicken is nothing more than a footnote in baseball history. If we took every interesting character ever associated with baseball and plopped them into the Hall of Fame, it would be a joke.

We’re going to skip down a bit. 

 The Chicken, though, was an entertainment revelation and revolution. He was part mascot, part cheerleader and all comedy shtick. People went to see him as much as they went to see the game — maybe more for him than the game.

 He earned $2 an hour for his first gig. His first chicken suit was a papier mâché rental from a costume shop. His motivation back in the day: “I was just looking for some free baseball.”

 You think Bonds loves the game the way Giannoulas does? Bonds wouldn’t do anything for $2 an hour.

No, Bonds wouldn’t play baseball for $2 an hour, but that’s because he gets offered more. His skills are essential to the game. The Chicken is not essential to the game (yet another reason he shouldn’t be in the Hall…I still can’t believe someone is advocating for this). And I hate it when people like Gene and his holier-than-thou sportswriter brethren proclaim that people who took steroids must have hated the game. Sure, they shouldn’t have taken steroids, but who’s to say they didn’t love the game? In fact, I bet a lot of people took PEDs because they loved the game. They loved it so much, that when their bodies wore down, they tried everything they could to continue playing the game they loved. Still shouldn’t have done it, but they didn’t take steroids because they’re meanie-pants who hate baseball.

We’ll skip down some more.

  Anyway, here’s how sincere Giannoulas is about baseball. When I asked him whether he was a free-range chicken, he laughed. But when I kiddingly asked him whether he was one of those chickens who were fed growth hormone, Giannoulas’ voice grew serious.

 ”I’m as organic as they come, buddy,” he said. “What I put my body through every night, I would never chance something like that. There’s no battery pack to keep me cool, no ice chest. It’s so hot in there that I’m my own rain forest.”

This show’s nothing of Giannoulas’s sincerity about baseball. It shows there must be something wrong with him to dress up like a chicken everyday for 35 years. This whole article hurts my head.

 There are 32 Hall of Famers who were inducted as executives and eight inducted as umpires. Can’t they make room for a chicken?

 ”The Chicken is an important part of baseball history,” a HOF spokesman said. “We have one of his outfits in the collection.”

 But what about having the person in the outfit be elected to the Hall of Fame?

 ”There’s no precedent for it,” the spokesman said. “Everybody in there is a real, live person.”

Well said, Mr. HOF Spokesman.

 There was no precedent for voting for a slugger who didn’t want to talk about the past (McGwire), but some people voted for him. And anyway, no one is more real than Giannoulas.

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that there are at least several HOF sluggers who don’t like talking about the past. I know Gene means the whole steroids thing, but he didn’t write that. This is ineffective writing piled on top of a deleriously asanine premise.

And, yes, some people did vote for McGwire. Because he was one of the greatest freaking baseball players of his era, not a guy dressed up as a chicken! I don’t know how steroids should affect the HOF, but the guy at least deserves some consideration, while a man dressed as a chicken surely does not.

 As the leader of the Vote Chicken Movement, I decided to call Jack O’Connell, secretary-treasurer of the Baseball Writers’ Association of America. Selected members of the BBWAA vote for Hall of Fame candidates.

 ”I don’t have a problem with honoring someone like this,” said O’Connell, who added that Giannoulas’ candidacy is out of the BBWAA’s hands. “Could you write a history of the game without mentioning these people? … You’re honoring someone who honored the game, and that’s what the Hall is about.”

Hey, nice to meet you, Jack. Gene, can I can take this one real quick? Ok. Thanks.

Jack, in answer to your question. YES. Yes, you can write a history of the game without mentioning the San Diego Chicken. In fact, most, if not all of the histories of baseball that I have read (more than 8, less than 15) have failed to mention the San Diego Chicken, while each of them (at least the ones written after 1999) have mentioned Mark McGwire.

And, furthermore, the Hall of Fame is not about honoring people who honored the game. It’s about people who excelled at the game. If it were about people who honored the game, then I’ll be expecting my induction letter in the mail shortly.

 Someone who honored the game …

 Sounds like what Giannoulas does every time he puts on his uniform. Wish I could say the same about the Steroids Seven.

My head’s going to splode. Just real quick. He’s a guy who dresses up as a chicken. He’s a guy who dresses up as a chicken. He’s a guy who dresses up as a chicken. I don’t care if he honored the game. Millions upon millions of people throughout the history of this country have honored the game. Let’s just put ‘em all in and call it the Hall of People Who Think Baseball’s A Cool Sport.

Yet another reason the San Diego Chicken shouldn't be inducted into the Hall of Fame: It eats babies.