Apologies…and Mail Bag!
I’m sorry for the lack of posting, I’ve started a new job (yes! I have a job, and I don’t live in my mother’s basement. Sorry, Rick.) and moved my family to another state, so…yeah. There will be a real post coming very shortly, but until then…
I thought I’d do a little mailbag. Yes, people e-mail me from time to time. And not all of them are the orphaned daughter of the assasinated president of Ghana looking for a husband to invest her money. Not all. Anyway, I want to address one e-mail So that’s it. It’s not really a mailbag, but whatever.
Surely you obsessives have noticed Rick has an obnoxiously named ‘love the column, hate the column’ link in at the bottom of every turd he passes, inviting readers to comment as it were on his defecation. Here is what I wrote in that box. I think you will agree considering the questions below would be immeasurably valuable for Rick Reilly, though for the same reason that he will simply ignore them.
I have not yet received a response, though this is a little disingenuous since I posted it five minutes ago.
Best wishes,
CML
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Dear Rick,
In your 25 ‘things about you,’ one item read, ‘I hate writing.’ Clearly you also care nothing for what you write about, either, otherwise your Tiger column would never have been composed. I understand that occasionally undercutting a celebrity is necessitated to sustain your gadfly self-mythology around the big names of sports, though, and perhaps you felt pressure to be super-vituperative after the veritable fellatio you performed on Lance Armstrong last week. I’m sure you don’t need to be told neither column worked very well.
Bearing this in mind, I am myself an aspiring writer, I am writing an article about you, and it would help if you answered the following questions. One sentence for each will suffice, but in all cases the more thoughtful of a response you give, the more you yourself will benefit. Here they are. Why do you write? Do you read? If so: what do you read; novels, magazines, newspapers; how much? Who are your favorite writers or sportswriters, and why? What do you think of your own writing? What do you think of yourself?
I’m sure that you will find what I’ve said to be far fairer and more purposeful than your own infantile rant about Tiger’s temper tantrums. Both of us might profit by a response. I hope to hear from you soon.
Best wishes,
CML
Let’s all be honest, Rick’s not going to respond to anyone….so in that case, I think CML has the right idea here. I think this is a good formula that we should all adopt as we flood Rick’s mailbox to (presumably) nowhere with scathing e-mails.
1.) No pleasantries, just get right to it. Bam. You said you hate writing. Why? You’re a friggin writer! And it’s obvious you don’t care about what you write. That’s why you wrote such a shitty column. Well done, CML, well done.
2.) Use big words. On the off chance that Reilly reads your e-mail, it’s a good idea to confuse him.
3.) Use a big word that means he engages in gay oral sex. As long as he’s confused, might as well get a good jab in there.
4.) Ask him tough but honest questions that a real journalist would be able to answer, but Rick no doubt won’t because a.) he doesn’t care and b.) he doesn’t understand what’s going on because of the big words.
5.) Forward the e-mail here so that we can mercilessly berate a man who sucks at writing.
So…Gold Star, CML. You’re the first lay-person who has been extended an invitation to be a member of the Board of Advisors for Firerickreilly.
