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Bronson Arroyo Has Lost His Mind–No Joke

August 13, 2009

So far on this blog, we’ve pretty much stuck with berating Rick Reilly and his ilk (other horrible sportswriters). But every now and then, something so ridiculous, so utterly mind-boggling comes out from a non-sportswriter, that, well, you just gotta address it. Today was one of those days: Ladies and Gentleman, please meet Bronson Arroyo!

Bring on the Crazy Mr. Arroyo is a mediocre pitcher for the Reds, who won a World Series with the Red Sox while playing with David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez–both of whom have since be outed as Performance-Enhancing Drug Users. I guess his association with them is why anyone cared to ask Arroyo about steroids, and thank God they did, because what followed was truly a treasure. I’ll pull out some choice pieces from this article. They’re most quotes from Arroyo.

Cincinatti Reds pitcher Bronson Arroyo who, last month admitted to using a now-banned supplement earlier in his career, says he uses a number of over-the-counter supplements not on Major League Baseball’s approved list, according to a USA Today report.

“I have a lot of guys in [the locker room] who think I’m out of [my] mind because I’m taking a lot of things not on the [MLB-approved] list,” Arroyo said, according to the report. “I take 10 to 12 different things a day, and on the days I pitch, there’s four more things. There’s a caffeine drink I take from a company that [former Boston Red Sox teammate] Curt Schilling introduced me to in ’05. I take some Korean ginseng and a few other proteins out there that are not certified. But I haven’t failed any tests, so I figured I’m good.”

Well, that’s quite the cocktail there, Bronson. But I guess caffeine, protein, and ginseng aren’t the worst things out. Now, to be clear, these are not banned by MLB (I think), they are just not approved. Whatever the hell that means. Anyway, if this were the whole story, I’d just, eh. And that’d be that, but Bronny doesn’t stop there. No, sir. Let’s skip down a bit, shall we?

“I do what I want to do and say what I want to say,” Arroyo said, according to the report. “But society has made this such a tainted thing. The media has made it where people look at it in such a super-negative light. I’ve always been honest. I’m not going to stop now.”

That’s right, man. Do what you wanna do! Fight the man. But, you know, in the man’s defense, it is kind of a tainted, negative thing. You know, stuffing your body full of  crazy shit in order to (theorhetically) play better. There’s more:

Arroyo says he believes he is also on the 2003 list, as there were rumors at the time that andro taken by some ballplayers was tainted with steroids. He said he took andro anyway because it helped him gain weight and strength, according to USA Today.

Well, if that ain’t livin’ life by the seat of your pants, then I don’t what is…but seriously folks, let’s think about this. If you told me that my Red Bull probably had a bunch of rat shit in it, well, I wouldn’t drink it….that’s all.

“Man, I didn’t think twice about it,” he said, according to the report. “I took androstenedione the same way I took my multivitamins. I didn’t really know if this was a genius move by Mark McGwire to cover up the real [stuff] he was taking, but it made me feel unbelievable. I felt like a monster.”

I bet you did, Bronsan. This is creepy. What does the guy have to gain by telling everyone these things. I mean, the only thing that could possibly come from this is that he’ll be tested more, and probably be caught. Maybe it’s all that andro finally reaching his brain. Well, maybe it’s not the andro getting to his brain, but if not that, then it’s definitely this:

Arroyo said he started taking amphetamines in 1998 when he was in the minors — and he’d still be taking them if they were not banned.

“That stuff’s like bubble gum compared to steroids,” he said, according to the report. “You’re playing [night games] in L.A., you fly across the country, and you’re pitching a day game at Wrigley [Field in Chicago]. You telling me you don’t want something to wake you up? You have half this country, maybe more, that can’t function without a cup of coffee.”

OK. Sure they might be tamer than ‘roids, although I’m not entirely convinced, but amphetimines are definitely a bit more hard-core than, say, a cup of Dunkin Dounuts coffee. And, no Bronson, I’m not telling you I’d like to pass out on the mound at Wrigley Field, but having a massive stroke during the 7th Inning stretch wouldn’t be a whole lot better…nope, it’d be worse. Anyway…more wackiness ensues:

“I can see where guys like Hank Aaron and some of the old-timers have a beef with it,” Arroyo said, according to the report. “But as far as looking at Manny Ramirez like he’s [serial killer] Ted Bundy, you’re out of your mind. At the end of the day, you think anybody really [cares] whether Manny Ramirez’s kidneys fail and he dies at 50?

Oh, those crazy old bastards gettin all upset that their accomplishments are being tainted by drugged-up freaks of pharmeceutical science. They should just shut up. You hear that Hank, shut the hell up! And you know what! Manny’s not a serial killer, and no one’s gonna care when he dies young! So just shut the hell up you snivelling little, tradition-loving dweebs! I’M A MONSTER! FEAR ME!

I think Arroyo’s roid rage kinda flared up during this segment of the interview. OK. We’ll rap this up with one last money quote:

As for the potential health risks? “It might be dangerous,” he said, according to the report, “but so is drinking and driving. And how many of us do it at least once a year? Pretty much everybody.”

Huh. You hang out with some real winners dontchya, Bronny?

Anyway, we learned a lot about Bronson Arroyo today. We know that he took amphetamines, and andro, and probably steroids, and a whole slew of other things. We know that he drinks and drives (from inference), and that given all the other things crams into his body, is probably loopy on something every time he gets behind the wheel. So I suggest that any one who lives in a baseball town to get one of those little magnetic Red’s schedules and keep track of when Arroyo and the Reds will be in your town, and just stay at home for a couple of days.

Oh, one other thing about Arroyo: all this stuff he’s taken, hasn’t really helped him become a great baseball player. His lifetime record is 81-81 and he sports a 4.38 ERA.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 15, 2009 1:48 pm

    I dont know, it is kind of nice for a player to be as forthcoming as Bronson was. I dont know why hes getting nailed to the wall for it.

    “Oh, those crazy old bastards gettin all upset that their accomplishments are being tainted by drugged-up freaks of pharmeceutical science. They should just shut up. You hear that Hank, shut the hell up!”

    You kind of undermined your sarcastic point when you said this:
    “Oh, one other thing about Arroyo: all this stuff he’s taken, hasn’t really helped him become a great baseball player. His lifetime record is 81-81 and he sports a 4.38 ERA.” Whatevs, I like the blog, though.

  2. Tapps permalink*
    August 16, 2009 3:34 am

    Good call on me undermining my own sarcasm: That was a bit messy.

    Yeah, on the one hand, I guess it’s nice that he’s being forthcoming, but on the other hand, it strikes me as weird. Being forthcoming while apologizing or framing it as a retrospective on past mistakes would be one thing, but just admitting that you’re probably using banned substances is kind of crazy.

    Anyway, I’m glad you like the blog.


  3. October 17, 2013 11:36 pm

    Excellent article. I absolutely appreciate this site. Thanks!

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