Rick Reilly’s About Ten Years Behind…and He Really Likes the Williams Sisters

In awe of the Williams sisters

It’s U.S. Open time, and the choice is obvious: Venus or Serena?

Or….third option…is Groundhog Day on TNT again? Rick, this column was done about a million times 10 years ago when the Williams sisters first got big. And it’s Tennis, so nobody really cared then and they certainly don’t care now. So why on earth are you doing this article? By the way….who wouldn’t rather watch Groundhog Day?

What if I told you about two white brothers from a trailer park on the tattooed side of the tracks? Their father decides — against all logic — to teach them a rich man’s sport, golf, even though he’s a complete chop himself. They become great on the weedy public courses, turn pro and dominate the sport. Just wipe the Tour up. Golf harrumphs in disbelief.

I’d say, “OK,” then go back to watching sports that are actually fun to watch until Sunday when golf tournaments finally get interesting.

Then the two brothers grow disinterested with golf and get into motorcycle building. They nearly stop playing altogether. Then they grow disinterested with being disinterested and decide, What the hell, let’s go thump again. So they crush all new saps, until it’s obvious nearly every major is going to be won by one or the other.

Great hypothetical story, Rick. I especially love the part about them getting disinterested in being disinterested. Seriously man…absurdist theatre to the max, buddy! It’s so…Waiting for Godot. Love it. Now shut the hell up.

Preposterous?

Indubitably.

Well, change their color to black, their sex to female and their sport to tennis, and you have the Williams sisters, who now have 18 majors between them — 11 for Serena and seven for Venus. Eighteen! If this were golf, Serena would be tied with Walter Hagen for third, and Venus would be tied with Bobby Jones, Arnold Palmer, Sam Snead and others for seventh. From one family, one coach, one house in Compton. It’s the single most underplayed story in American sports in the past 25 years. Where’s their postage stamp?

Ohhhhh. I see. So this is about race and gender and about how tennis is somehow an inferior sport to golf. It’s one of those ones, isn’t Rick? And another thing: It’s not effing men’s golf, Reilly, it’s women’s tennis. WOMEN’S TENNIS!! Where they would rank among major wins on the PGA tour has no basis in reality whatsoever. It’s a totally weird point, that doesn’t help your argument in the least. Is his point that we would have noticed the two white trash male golfers, but we don’t notice the black women tennis players?That’s just dumb. People have noticed the Williams sisters for years. The reason no one cares anymore is because they’ve been around for like twelve years and no one likes tennis. And why try to compare the Williams sisters to Arnie Palmer and Bobby Jones? Makes no sense.

Do you realize a Williams has six of the past 11 women’s majors? That they’ve outlasted not one generation of rivals but two? Martina Hingis, Justine Henin, Lindsay Davenport, Jennifer Capriati. All gone.

I didn’t realize it, and I bet a lot of others didn’t realize it either…but it’s not because they’re black women, it’s because no one cares about tennis.

There has never been a sibling combo like this in American sports history. Baseball’s DiMaggios, Waners, Alous? Not even close. Skiing’s Mahres? No way. Football’s Mannings? Please. One championship each?

You’re probably right. But guess what? We got all this shoved down our throats 10 years ago when they first hit tennis. This story has been done a bajillion times, and since it’s about TENNIS, nobody really cared then, and they certainly don’t care now.

The Williams sisters are bigger than sports. Their achievements rank with any set of sisters in American history, along with the Stillwells — Revolutionary War heroines — and the Andrews Sisters, the biggest American singing act in the 1940s. The only difference is the Williamses are in their second decade of greatness, going on a third.

Alllll right now. Listen, I could handle the utter stupidity of this article for awhile, but I’ve hit my breaking point. The Williams sisters are certainly not on the level of a couple of freaking war heroes. War heroes, Rick. They were war heroes. The Williams sisters play tennis…like the 15^th most popular sport in America. But, you know what, if they were male golfers they’d been in the same league as Arnie Palmer and Bob Jones. So, I guess you’re right.

The problem is deciding which one you want to have win the next major. It’s no good just throwing your hands up and saying, “It’s going to be a Williams.” You have to pick one. You can’t root for both the Yankees and the Red Sox, the Clintons and the Bushes, Coke and Pepsi. You have to choose: Venus or Serena. They’re two entirely different people with entirely different personalities.

Thanks for clearing that up. All this time I thought they were co-joined twins. Now that would be a feat! Winning eighteen majors all while playing tennis like it was a crazed three-legged race! Let’s get that on TV—I guarantee it would be more popular than regular tennis. Also, I find that the right blend of Pepsi and Coke has a delightfully unique taste…so go suck an egg, Reilly.

Siamese Twins?

Venus is like grass courts, steady and calm. Serena is like hardcourts, slick and fast. Venus kills you with her forehand. Serena kills you with her backhand. Venus takes too few chances. Serena takes too many. When they screw up, Venus glares, Serena smiles.

Awww….it just. Keeps. Going. On. And. On. And. On.

I get the feeling that Rick is republishing a failed sitcom pitch here.

Venus talks about nothing but tennis. Serena talks about anything but tennis. Serena will do 45 minutes on the TV show she’s writing or her book that’s coming out (On the Line, in September) or her last Twitter tweet. To wind Venus up, ask her about equal prize money.

As kids, Venus was the one you let babysit. Serena was the one you got babysat. They’re still like that. Venus is 29 going on 40. Serena is 27 going on 18. Once, at Wimbledon, when Serena was confused about what to do in front of royalty, Venus whispered into her ear, “Curtsy.”

Aggghhhh! Son of a bitch, man! We get it! We fother mucking get it! What do you want us to do? Leap out of our seats in surprise and exclaim: “Holy Bojangles! These two girls are sisters…and yet…and yet, they’re so DIFFerent!! How extraordinary!

Sheesh.

Anyone that has a sibling knows that siblings are different.

Venus keeps most of it in, and Serena lets most of it out. Or don’t you remember those swimsuit pictures? Venus is a reader. Serena is a reality-TV freak. Venus dates a golfer, Hank Kuehne. Serena dates a rapper, Common. Are there two more opposite dates?

They’re both fashionistas, but Serena likes to push it: the Lycra catsuit, the denim skirts with boots, the white trench coat. And that’s just stuff she’s worn on the court.

Sisters! Different! But still sisters!

Also, this is a neat trick here that Rick has tried to pull. He’s been going on and on talking about how crazily different from one another these sisters are (I still can’t get over how incredible that is!!!) in the hopes that we’ll forget he thinks they are larger than sports and more important to freaking America than some Revolutionary War heroes.

Good effort, Rick, but you’ve got to get up prettttty early…

Serena’s the better player, but that’s like saying Paris is the richer Hilton. They’re both a NASA space launch past everybody else right now. Their only legit competition is the Russians, and lately the sisters have made them look like weekend coaches at the Moscow Country Club.

Paris Hilton as chic pop-culture reference is, like, sooooo 2005.

Go ahead. Take your time picking your Williams. Thanks to their dad’s brilliant long-term coaching strategy — and their desire to step back from tennis to study fashion and acting — their minds and legs are fresh. They’re not burned-out (Capriati, Hingis, Henin), and they’re not worn-out (Rafael Nadal). They plan on kicking booty through the 2012 Olympics and maybe, they say, clear through the 2016 Games.

I like how he talks about their dad’s wonderful coaching strategy as if it’s a…well, a wonderful coaching strategy rather than what it really was: him being an attention-hungry, money grubbing bastard who pretty much exploited his little daughters and forced them to do nothing but play tennis forever.

But if somebody doesn’t throw them a ticker-tape parade pretty soon, I’m running for Congress.

Oh goodness. I’m sincerely begging everyone out there. Please, DO NOT throw a ticker-tape parade for the Williams sisters. Please….DO NOT. Think of all the material I would have if Rick Reilly decided to run for Congress. I think we should all e-mail every day to remind him that as of yet, there has not been a ticker-tape parade, and as per your column, you need to run for Congress.