Rick Reilly Hates Michael Jordan–Conveys that Sentiment Awkwardly

So, Reilly’s newest column is actually not all that egregious as far as subject matter is concerned. I personally never really liked MJ. Before everyone sends me hate rays across the interwebs, obviously I thought he was an amazing player and I really did enjoy Space Jam. It’s definitely number three on my list of best animation-live action hybrid movies…right behind Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Song of the South. I just never really liked MJ’s attitude. Also, he disgraced baseball. Most people agree that his Hall of Fame speech was pretty dick-ish. So that’s not really the issue here. The main issue is that Reilly really sucks at writing. 

Be like Mike? No thanks

Michael Jordan’s Hall of Fame talk was the Exxon Valdez of speeches. It was, by turns, rude, vindictive and flammable. And that was just when he was trying to be funny. It was tactless, egotistical and unbecoming. When it was done, nobody wanted to be like Mike.

Nope. Sorry, buddy. The Exxon Valdez oil spill is not an apt metaphor. Well, it might have been had you not tried to elaborate. Fine. MJ was rude and vindictive, but I don’t think the Exxon Valdez tanker was curmudgeoningly taking revenge upon Prince Williams Sound. Perhaps you were looking for the word “crude,” that would have had been a good similarity between the speech and the tanker…except that Jordan wasn’t crude. So. No. And yes, while oil is flammable, Jordan’s speech was not flammable (perhaps the word you were searching for was imflammatory–which kind of, maybe, but only if you really forced it, could have applied to both). My my, Rick, you are not off to a good start. I mean, you could have just said MJs Hall of Fame speech was the Exxon Valdez of speeches–a disaster. Or something like that. But you opted for the borderline illiterate route. You’re so predictable.

 And yet we couldn’t stop watching. Because this was an inside look into the mindset of an icon who’d never let anybody inside before. From what I saw, I’d never want to go back. Here is a man who’s won just about everything there is to win — six NBA titles, five MVPs and two Olympics golds. And yet he sounded like a guy who’s been screwed out of every trophy ever minted. He’s the world’s first sore winner.

Do you remember that article you wrote yelling about sore winners? Cuz I do. I wrote about it. Here. You should really check out my site to keep everything straight. I know it’s tough to keep track of such a prolific portfolio.

 In the entire 23-minute cringe-athon, there were only six thank yous, seven if you count his sarcastic rip at the very Hall that was inducting him. “Thank you, Hall of Fame, for raising ticket prices, I guess,” he sneered. By comparison, David Robinson’s classy and heartfelt seven-minute speech had 17. Joe Montana’s even shorter speech in Canton had 23. Who wrote your speech Mike? Kanye West?

Holy crap!! Rick! You used a fresh pop culture reference! You should probably retire. Go out on a high note. Again, yes, MJ was kind of a bastard in his speech. I agree with you. (He did thank Scottie Pippin profusely, though, in fairness).

 Not that Jordan’s speech wasn’t from the heart. It was. It’s just that Jordan’s heart on this night could give you frostbite. Nobody was spared, including his high school coach, his high school teammate, his college coach, two of his pro coaches, his college roommate, his pro owner, his pro general manager, the man who was presenting him that evening, even his kids!

Wow. Looks like you hate MJ about as much as I hate you. Incredible.

 ”I wouldn’t want to be you guys if I had to,” he said as they squirmed in their seats.

 He even mocked his own brothers, calling them maybe 5-foot-5 and 5-6. Actually, they’re about 5-8 and 5-9. Michael was the one blessed with the height gene, not the tact one.

I like how the one time since he started working at ESPN (and alomst assuredly longer than that) that Reilly did an iota of research it was to find out the heights of Michael Jordan’s brothers.

–I’m going to skip ahead a bit here, cause there’s a couple of ho-hum paragraphs. Then Rick starts relating it back to himself and how he’s an intrepid reporter, and how MJ shunned him and that’s really why he hates him so much, just like Sammy Sosa. With Sosa and Jordan, Reilly actually got a real, live jouralistic scoop, and they denied it, and then it came out later, Reilly was right, but was made to look bad because they denied this. If anything, this makes me like Sosa and Jordon so much more.

Jordan owes a roomful of apologies. But it’ll never happen. I know firsthand.

And he didn’t invite me to his birthday party….meanie.

 Before his second comeback — with the Washington Wizards — I was the first out with the story by a month. Jordan and his agent, David Falk, denied it, said I was crazy, practically said I was smoking something. Then, after a month of lies, Jordan admitted it was all true. I saw him in the locker room before his first game back and said, “You wanna say something to me, maybe?”

What a baby. This sort of thing happens to journalists all the time. Yes, it sucks. Yes, that was maybe low-class of Jordon, but get over it dude.

 And he said, “You know you don’t get no apologies in this business.”

It’s true. You don’t get apologies. You’ve never apologized for a single one of your terrible columns. You’ve never apologized or given people their money back after buying one of your stupid golf novels. You haven’t apologized to ESPN and SI for stealing from them.

 So I wouldn’t hold your breath.

 They called it an “acceptance” speech, but the last thing Jordan seems to be able to do is accept it’s over. In fact, Jordan hinted that he might make yet another comeback at 50.

 I just hope Comeback No. 3 doesn’t come with a speech.

 Because then I’m really screwed.

Why? Why would you be screwed? Because you think he’ll make fun of you? I highly doubt that MJ remembers that incident with you.  Whatever.

The guy still had some awesome dunks. Let’s watch.