Cowboy Cheerleaders Take a Test, Reilly Kind of Writes About It

IT’S HARD BEING A COWBOYS CHEERLEADER

If you’re going to make it in the Cowboys organization, you better cram like a sardine, because you’ll take written tests on everything from Cowboys history to Texas culture to world affairs.

Yeah…it’s hard reading your columns, too, but anything for the greater good of mankind. Anyway, for every bit of light-hearted whimsy (there are a couple bits) in this column, there’s two atrocities. So, buckle up.

First of all, this isn’t really true. You don’t take a written test on Cowboys history and a written test on Texas culture. It’s one test, and it’s not essay form. They’re mostly multiple choice questions or one-word answers.

Not to make the football team. To make the cheerleading team.

Let’s just move onto the next parag….Wait. Whhaaaattttt!!! No way! That must be a mistake, the cheerleaders couldn’t possibly have to take a test. This truly is shocking. What a great setup, Rick. Masterful. Really. You build it up in one direction, and then, BAM!, pull the rug out! Awesome.

The players don’t have to take any quizzes.

Whoa. He’s serious isn’t he? The cheerleaders take a test. Huh. Who knew?

Turns out, many, many people knew. So much so in fact, that this article has already been written. In May. Several times. Like here, here, here, here, and here. Plus, there was an entire reality show about the Cowboys cheerleaders (in 2008!) that dealt with this.

Way to go for the fresh subject matter, Rick.

If you’re 290 and can turn a running back into an oil stain, you could read at the equivalent of a mealworm and make it.

Reilly desperately needs to find another way of calling people stupid, other than his “mealworm” thing. It’s been in at least three columns in the past 3 months. It’s not funny. Never was funny. And just shows that Rick is uncreative and lazy.

It’s the cheerleaders who get grilled like it’s Final Jeopardy. They take a nearly 100-question test during tryouts and are asked to name everything from the governor of Texas to a country that borders Iraq.

Whatever man, it’s not like Wade Phillips or Jerry Jones makes them take the test, it’s the cheerleading coach. Also, those are not hard questions.

Remind me: What’s this got to do with pom-poms?

Tryout coordinator: “Amber, that was a terrific triple-twisting salchow, and landing in a split was a surprise, but I’m afraid you gagged on the cold-fusion question. Get out.”

They don’t have questions on cold fusion. You’re going to make this into some sort of issue, aren’t ya, Rick? You can’t just leave well enough alone, can you?

“We want our cheerleaders to be knowledgeable and well-spoken in interviews,” says Cowboys cheerleading boss Kelli Finglass. “If they’re not, it’s a deal breaker.”

Cowboys players get interviewed every day. Shouldn’t they have to take it? “Well, their job description is winning football games,” Finglass says.

Riiiiight.

Wait a second. That is their job description. Where’s the confusion here, Rick? They’re called football players, not, um, professors. Booya! Take that!

Besides, if Cowboys players had to pass the same quiz before they could make the team, many of them would be bouncers at Showgirls today.

Haha. Listen, maybe the cheerleaders don’t need to know about this stuff, but I think the larger point of the test is that they need to know something about football and the Cowboys in particular in order to cheer for the team. I think they’re trying to legitimize the whole thing beyond being soft-core porn.

And once again, it’s not the Cowboys organization imposing this test, it’s the damn cheerleading coach.

Which is exactly why we gave it to them.

Key word here…we. So some of Reilly’s minions went out and got answers to the questions. So Reilly only had to write half of an already short column this week.

Why not? Why should the cheerleaders have to know more than the players? It’s not like anybody from Fox is going up to a cheerleader after the game, asking, “Incredible game! Where do you think it ranks in Cowboys history?”

For the record, no one asks the players this either. Anyway, the questions come next. They’re not so bad…these are the bits of light-hearted whimsy I talked about. Point is…this is not a column. It’s Reilly prattling on about (maybe) the injustice of cheerleaders having to take a test while the players don’t. But he doesn’t really even argue that. It’s like he started writing the column (about something that a bunch of people wrote about 5 months ago), got tired, and then sent some interns to ask the Cowboys a few questions. This from a guy who gets like $35,000 per article.

We coerced 12 players into taking it. To their credit, they did it with good humor and open minds, just not always clever ones. Some examples:

Q: Name the Six Flags of Texas.

A very tough question. Only backup QB Jon Kitna nailed it. “Oh, my kids have been schooling me on this. Mexico, Spain, France, United States, Republic of Texas and the Confederacy. Thanks to my kids, I just learned that!” Nearly all 11 others thought it was an amusement park question. Need to get some kids.

Q: Name the two ex-Cowboys quarterbacks in the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Everybody got it right except G Travis Bright, who answered Troy Aikman but forgot Roger Staubach, and S Pat Watkins, who answered, “Joe Namath and Troy Aikman.” Yep, who can forget ol’ Beltway Joe?

Q: Name a country that borders Iraq.

Ten of 12 got it right (Iran, Kuwait, Jordan, Syria, Saudi Arabia and Turkey), although WR Miles Austin and CB Orlando Scandrick said Afghanistan, which is about 750 miles away. Gotta at least pause at CNN once in a while, boys.

Q: Who is the governor of Texas?

This one was hopeless. Only TE Jason Witten and DE Marcus Spears got it right: Rick Perry. Interesting fact about the governor of Texas: He doesn’t have to take a quiz either.

Kill me now.

Q: List three lean proteins.

“Like, foods?” asked LB Keith Brooking.

Uh, yes, foods.

Hey, Rickster. Before you start patronizing a man who could crush you with his bare hands, just remember that there are lots of proteins that don’t mean foods.

“Tuna fish,” he tried. “I don’t know, man.”

Watkins replied, “Fish, chicken, duck.”

WR Sam Hurd listed, “Steak, chicken and pasta.”

Pasta? No. Some correct answers: fish, skinless poultry, lentils, beans, soy products and lean meats. Definitely not duck.

Q: In how many Super Bowls have the Dallas Cowboys appeared?

Pretty simple question, right? One that might come up in interviews, appearances, book signings? But only one player in 12 — Bright — answered correctly, with eight. Not to be harsh, but 70 percent of Texas schoolkids will get that one right.

Honestly, this really wouldn’t come up in everyday for any of these players. Hypothetically, it’s media day at the Super Bowl and the Cowboys are playing, do you really think someone’s going to come up to Miles Austen and ask him what number Super Bowl appearance this is for the ‘Boys? Cause I think that’s unlikely.

Overall, some of the Cowboys would’ve flunked before they got to show off their herkies, except DE Marcus Spears. He nailed nearly every question. That figures. Spears, who went to LSU, says friends made fun of him back when he was a kid for getting good grades and being smart.

This is incredible boring. How does this pass for a column? Seriously.

Me, if I were a Cowboy and things got crazy on the sideline this season and I had no idea what the coach just meant, I’d find Spears.

Like in case there was a big debate about whether or not duck is lean protein? Right. Good thing Spears is around. I can’t imagine the chaos that would ensue. Hell, Tony Romo might start throwing interceptions every other series. Oh, right, he does that anyway.

Or, better yet, a cheerleader.

There it is. Always leaving me laughing, buddy. Thanks! See you next week.