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Nick Swisher Will Smile the Yankees All the Way to a World Championship

October 30, 2009

I haven’t posted in awhile. I know. Some people have made me aware of that…yes, there are at least a few people who read this blog, and yes, they did kind of yell at me for not posting. Well, I’m here to remedy that. Basically Rick had a few ho-hum columns, and that combined with my laziness is no good for this blog. Anyway…here’s this sterling offering from Rick’s (not)blog.

Charles Barkley joins Augusta National. Wanda Sykes is elected to the Supreme Court. “Dilbert” cartoons hang at the Met.

What!? You’ve got to be kidding me! No freaking way…that’s outrageous! These things happening would be like…like…like Nick Swisher joining the freaking Yankees! Mind-blowing.

That gives you an idea of what it’s been like having Nick Swisher suddenly join the New York Yankees.

Oh, hey. Look at that. I was right. For those of you that don’t know, Nick Swisher is a slightly better than mediocre baseball player. Also, just for clarification, the guy didn’t suddenly join the Yankees, he negotiated a contract with them in the offseason. Ok. Let’s move on.

Swisher is a guy who won’t stop laughing even when he brushes his teeth.

Dude seems happy.

The only time he says “no” is when they ask him if he’s had enough.

Insatiable. The man is insatiable.

He could make a colonoscopy fun.

Gross. I doubt it.

It’s actually a problem for the Yankee right fielder. “I smile so much, my cheek muscles are too built up and it makes my face look fat,” he says.

Poor guy. Maybe you should stop effing smiling so much, ya goon.

Not a problem you usually find with Yankees, who are generally stiffer than the center field monuments. Even moreso: the Yankees clubhouse, which has always been just slightly tighter than Jerry Jones’ face. Bounding into all this stodginess came the unsinkably happy kid from Ohio State and nothing’s been dull since.

This is a bit unfair to the other Yankees. Remember when Johnny Damon looked like a caveman and pulled…like…crazy antics and shit? I do.

“The first couple days I was here, it was a little stuffy, everybody was a little quiet, not talking too much,” Swisher says. ” … I guess the Yankees were more known for having a corporate-type atmosphere.”

Not anymore. Everything’s more fun since Nick at Night. For instance, he has 24 different home run handshakes — a different one for each teammate.

Nick at Night! 24 Handshakes!

“The weirdest one is with A.J. (Burnett). There’s some snapping, some fist bumping and it ends with some howling, like a wolf.”

He has more hairstyles than gloves: The Mohawk, the Fauxhawk, the Swishhawk and the Light Socket. “I saw Johnny Damon’s Jesus cut and I just decided to branch out,” he says. “Soon as we can grow facial hair again (banned on the Yankees), I might go with the full Jake Plummer Grizzly Adams.”

The Yankees will never un-ban facial hair, so this whole point is moot. Also the Swishhawk and Light Socket are not real haircuts, and as far as anyone can tell, Reilly just made them up to fill out a list.

He is the Yankees’ version of Kevin Millar, the crazy on the 2004 world champion Boston Red Sox team who made the clubhouse a nuthouse. Without Swisher, the Yankees aren’t this deep in the playoffs. He’s a human pressure-release valve.

Actually, the Yankees would probably be better off without Swisher. He replaced Bobby Abreu who the Yankees let go, ¬†and who is had one of the best seasons of his career. He had a far superior year than Swisher. Further, this whole thing about fun-loving little nutball guys causing wins because of their crazy shennanigans is a load of bull. It’s just a way to prop up likable guys who aren’t very good at baseball. Does anyone really think that A-Rod or Jeter plays better cause crazy-old Nick Swisher pantsed some middle reliever in the locker room before the game? Anyone besides Rick Reilly that is.

That’s his collage poster every player walks by on the way to the field. He works on it nearly every day. It’s a shine shrine. Everything on it is upbeat articles and photos reminding his teammates how great he thinks they are.

Nick Swisher is the Martha Stewart of the Yankees.

“My locker is the last one you see before you go out on the field,” he says. “So if a guy’s having a bad day, he can go by there and maybe get a little pick-me-up.”

Swisher’s been more than a little pick-me-up for the Yankees. He’s had one of the best seasons of his six-year Swish-hitting career (.249 in the regular season, with 29 jacks and 82 RBI), played all three outfield positions and first base, even pitched one shutout inning.

Swish-hitting! WOW! Yes, Swisher’s overall numbers look OK (except for his abysmal average, but he did most of that in the first half of the season. He didn’t even play much in the second half.

There are three things in this world everybody seems to like — Italian restaurants, refund checks and Nick Swisher, especially “Gossip Girl” actress Joanna Garcia. She’s dating the 28-year-old Swisher and can be seen at most Yankees home games.

Rick, are those really the three things you’re going to pick? Italian restaurants? Really? OK.

“She understands baseball,” Swisher says. “I’ll come home some nights after an oh-fer and she’ll go, ‘Your swing looked a little different tonight, Honey. Maybe your hands didn’t get back early enough?’ So I’m like, dang, maybe I need to start my swing a little earlier?”

I don’t understand how his bimbo girlfriend giving him hitting advice makes him any better and/or cooler. I really don’t.

You think Kate Hudson does that?

I dunno. Maybe she does. Who cares? Also, she doesn’t need to, because A-Rod is an incredibly good hitter, who doesn’t need baseball advice from a girl…unlike Swisher, who’s not all that good.

Swisher, who does not seem to need sleep, has been known to drag players to his favorite karaoke bar, where he sings a terrific version of Kings of Leon’s “Use Somebody.”

Honestly, who cares?

What’s funny is that all this time, the somebody the Yankees could’ve used was Swisher.

It’s not funny. And what they really needed was more really good baseball players, like C.C. Sabbathia, A.J. Burnett, and Mark Teixeira to go along with their other future Hall of Famers (incidentally, this group does not include Nick Swisher).

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. greg permalink
    October 30, 2009 11:06 pm

    The only thing worse than Rick Reilly is you.

  2. Tapps permalink*
    November 4, 2009 3:26 pm

    Duly noted…come back soon, Greg!

  3. Harvard2010 permalink
    November 13, 2009 6:25 pm

    Swisher was traded idiot!

    • Tapps permalink*
      November 13, 2009 7:24 pm

      sorry. traded. either way, he didn’t suddenly arrive and transform a lifeless yankees team into world series champions

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