Reilly’s Getting Quite a Bit of Mileage Out of Tiger Woods

I realize that the entire sports world has been taken over by the Tiger Woods saga, and that many writers are taking advantage of this, but Reilly is certainly doing a lot with one little stupid idea. Remember his thoughts from last week? He basically said that Tiger would come back stronger than ever because of his amazing humility and ability to kinda, sorta apologize. Well, the other day Reilly came on Sportscenter and said this about how Tiger needs to go on Oprah and skip a few tournaments, etc. in order to repair his image.

Now, he’s written a column saying the exact same thing. Which, whatever…fine. But really, the guy gets paid $10 million and all he can do is bash the same stupid idea over people’s heads for two weeks.

Here’s bits of today’s column:

Tiger Woods is the first person in history to run his car into a hydrant and set himself on fire.

His reputation is shredded. His once-perfect name has been dragged through more mud than a Nantucket clam digger’s boots. A once-spotless life is now an episode of “Cops.”

 So what now?

 First, Oprah Winfrey.

 ”It has to be Oprah,” says the king of Las Vegas publicity men, Dave Kirvin. “If you did a poll on who’s most disgusted by this whole mess, it would be women. To win over those women, you need to win over Oprah. You win over Oprah, you win over America.”

 Once he’s on Oprah’s couch, he says this:

 ”To my wife, to my kids, to my family, to my friends, to my fans, I am so sorry. You believed in me. You looked up to me. You thought I was different, and I let you down. I’m ashamed of myself. My mom is ashamed of me. I’m sure my dad would be ashamed of me. I’m an idiot.” Then he has to go full Tebow: “From this day forward, you will never see somebody work harder, 24 hours a day, to win back your trust.”

 It has to be next week and no later, because every day the British tabloids have him sleeping with everybody but the Page 3 girl. “The sooner he makes his public act of contrition, the sooner he takes the oxygen out of the story,” Kirvin says.

 Second, he needs to shut down his public life.

He needs to skip San Diego, skip the Masters, maybe even skip the U.S. Open. When your house is rubble, you don’t go play the Buick Open. Tiger needs to prove to his wife, Elin, sponsors and fans that morality is more important than majors.

Third, he needs to clean house. If he wants to keep his wife, he has to get a new agent, a new caddie and some new friends. It’s hard to believe all this went on without their help or knowledge. How can she see them as anything but enablers?

 Fourth, he needs to freeze his corporate sponsors before they freeze him. He needs to tell them, “I’m not doing any ads or taking any payment until I can again prove myself worthy of your products. I’m sorry I’ve let you down. It won’t happen again.”

 Fifth, he needs to write his Tiger Woods Learning Center a check for $5 million with a note that says, “Keep studying hard. I’ll be back to help you fundraise in 2011.”

…

Let us into your life a little. Do the “A week on the road with Tiger” story. Give a home interview once in a while. Let people check in the closets and under the bed. Prove to the world you’ve changed. Because “no comment” and three security guards are only going to make people suspicious.

 Sixth, a few manners wouldn’t kill him. No more terrible-twos temper. No more swearing. No more throwing clubs. And instead of pulling his signature blow-by move on the hundreds of autograph seekers waiting for him after every round, stop and sign for 15 minutes. Hasn’t hurt Phil Mickelson any.

 …

 Seventh, he has to return to the Tour and take the ridicule he has coming. He’ll feel as though he’s being paraded down Main Street, naked, in a glass box. Women will be wearing TIGER, YOU FORGOT ME T-shirts. Guys will be holding ELIN OVERCLUBBED signs. Babes will be hollering, “Hey, Tiger! I took my name off my voice mail like you said!”

 …

 He’ll come out of this as an even better player, if that’s possible. The golf course will be the one place where he can go to forget, and he will want to forget constantly. Where he once spent six hours on the range, he will spend eight. Where he once had the will of 10 men, he will have the will of 100. He will win again — win huge — and people will call it a comeback.

 But it won’t be a comeback. He never lost his game. He lost only his mind.

Anyway, this all seems a bit simplistic. Sure, whatever, go on Oprah…but this idea that Oprah is the magic elixir that will cure all the ills of a bon-bon-eating female population is absurd.

And yeah, Reilly’s certainly right about Tiger needing to repair his public image by being a good guy, etc., but that’s pretty much just common sense, thanks for the expert opinion, Rick!

Now, this whole thing about Tiger needing to let the media into his home and go through his closets is indefensibly stupid. I understand that athletes and celebrities don’t really have privacy in this day and age, but to say that a guy must actively let the media into every aspect of his life in order to repair his image is asinine. This sounds a lot like Reilly’s trying to dig up the next segment of his “Homecoming” show. (Is that still on, by the way? Or did it fail so miserably that ESPN had to cancel it?) Through all of Reilly’s columns and video appearances about the Tiger drama, two things have been constant…the first: Tiger has hurt the media! He needs to make it up to the media! That’s just absolute horseshit, and sounds to me like someone (shh…it’s Reilly) got his world shattered by this.

Second: That Tiger will emerge from this bigger, better, and more awesomer than ever. I guess this is possible, but I think Rick is being kind of an ass-kisser here. And he’s trying to paint Tiger as some sort of other-wordly figure who will overcome and crush his problems like no one else can.

Anyway, the real point here is that Reilly keeps on dragging out his same, old, tired line about Tiger. It’s lazy. And it’s stupid.