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Rick Reilly’s Fake Twitter Abomination

December 22, 2010

Oh man. I’ve been looking over Reilly’s latest offering in pieces, because it’s really awful. Like even more awful than normal. It’s a look forward in honor of the New Year (novel!), and it’s supposed to be a bunch of “tweets” from “athletes.” If that sounds absolutely terrible to you, then, well, you’re right.

There’s a lot, so I’m going to skip some, but here are the lowlights.

Anybody can compile the best sports tweets of 2010. Let’s see them compile the best tweets of 2011:

JANUARY

TheCamNewton
Hey @ReggieUSC how do you mail these things back anyway?

Ohh that’s biting.

DonovanQB
Big garage sale this weekend, everybody. Lotsa cool Redskins gear.

Way to come out strong, Rick. I’m serious, this is probably the best one.

GovPaterson
$62,000 for five Yankees tickets? What a rip-off! And they were obstructed view!

This one would be filed under December 2010, though, right? Because this already happened. Like a few days ago. But that obstructed view bit…awesome! And relevant!

GOD
Ur blaming me? I put the pass right in your hands! RT @StevieJohnson13 I PRAISE U 24/7!! & THIS HOW U DO ME?! U EXPECT ME 2 LEARN FROM THIS?

Okay, I have a question. Two actually. Why is God on Twitter, and two, why did he take like three months to respond to Stevie Johnson. This column is already getting confusing. We have God responding in January via Twitter to something that happened several months ago.

FEBRUARY

MikeVick7
s/o to my guys at Leavenworth — no, I’m not gonna hollow out my Super Bowl MVP trophy and stuff it with cigs

Get it! Cause Michael Vick was in prison! Also interesting that Reilly thinks Vick and the Eagles are gonna win the Super Bowl. I’ll keep this in mind.

AgentZero
Anybody know any dope clubs here in Orlando with no metal detectors?

Dope. Reilly sure is up on the lingo, is he not?

CoachRyanJets
Really, I can’t talk about this. I don’t want to put my foot in my mouth!!!

See, Reilly, here’s where your brilliant plan is flawed. This is happening NOW, not in the future. Isn’t the point of this kind of thing to make, you know, predictions, in a tongue in cheek way? Not to just take things that are happening now and transfer them to a couple months from now? Even Rick’s future tweets use stale references.

MARCH

KimJongIl
THAT @RonArtestCom REALLY IS CRAZY! HE MAKES NATALIE PORTMAN IN BLACK SWAN LOOK LIKE A SOUTH _KOREAN KITTEN

Huh? Maybe this is pretty hilarious, but I wouldn’t know because I know nothing about Black Swan, but that Reilly thinks his audience is flocking to see Black Swan says a lot about him…or his audience. Not sure which.

THE_REAL_SHAQ
I am the emperor of Twitteronia. if uc me, touch me! eat w/ me! we r 1. I luv all creatures …. except black mambas.

This is literally just a bunch of nonsense….except, hey, look! In March, Shaq will (still) hate Kobe! Wow!

APRIL

CBarkley
140 characters? Man, how am I going to stop at 140? I can’t even clear my throat in 140 char. Twitter is turrible.

Reilly is now recycling old Frank Caliendo jokes from October, using them for a column in December, and pretending like they will happen in April. We might be witnessing the end times.

MAY

EvaLongoria
Ran into @TonyParker the other day. Then backed up and ran into him three more times. LMAO

Bold Prediction: Not one person in the world will care about Tony Parker and Eva Longoria’s divorce come May. Not even Tony Parker and Eva Longoria.

JUNE

Lancearmstrong
seven TdFs, six kids, one testicle! take that, france!

And two international doping violations. See, because that would be a prediction, instead of Armstrong randomly yelling at France in June about things that are also true today. Reilly really is not using this method well.

DanGilbertsCavs
OK, so he won one little title. But I swear to God we will get TWO before he does!!!

This one is not terrible. I’ll give him that.

JULY

TheJohnDaly
Hey, fans. I got the gambling addiction thing solved. I just play the $500 slots now.

Just a random, gratuitous dig at John Daly because Reilly doesn’t like him.

FIFAOfficial
Yes, Qatar is 141 degrees and women continue to be oppressed, but good news! Nike breathable burkas ready for 2022!

Annnnd, Rick fills his “burka” quota for this column. Also, Qatar was named host country for the World Cup a few weeks ago. And it will not actually take place until 2022. So, why would this be a big deal in 2011? Not really sure. I don’t think Reilly even remembers what he’s supposed to be doing at this point.

AUGUST

BrettFavreFour
Still waiting on that planeload of teammates. Y’all took me seriously? SMH

Nice use of internet acronyms there, buddy.

TebowTime
I will do anything in my power to help this team win. I am blessed to be a Winnipeg Blue Bomber. John 3:16.

So the Broncos are going to cut Tebow before next season? And no one will pick him up? I doubt that.

TigerWoods
That’s 3 majors out of 4 this yr. NOW can I have sex again?

Boom. Tiger. Woods. Sex. Jokes.Topical.

SEPTEMBER

COACHJOEPA
OK, OK, so now I’m on Twitter. But it’s got nothin’ on morse code.

Get it? Cause Joe Paterno’s old…and some old people used to communicate via morse code. But mostly people on ships. Not Joe Paterno probably.

OCTOBER

KingJames
Man, this lockout thing is real? Guess I’m gonna have to take my talents to Dave and Busters! lol

Hey-O!

NOVEMBER

ObamaPOTUS
I hereby decertify the NCAA and put @MarkCuban in charge of a football playoff. Please, please vote for me.

This would kind of be good, except the next presidential election is in November 2012, not November 2011.

DECEMBER

IversonAnswer
Man, we talkin’ about idman. Not a oyun, idman. Idman!

I assume “idam” is Turkish (Kurdish? whatever) for practice. Because Allen Iverson will be playing in his second year over there in December 2011. He’s already playing there. Reilly really has fumbled this whole format.

BarryBonds
If I don’t get into Hall on this first ballot, I’m gonna CREAM some of those writers until they CLEAR me.

BarryBonds
Wait … that didn’t come out right.

Steroid humor! I love it!

TheRealTomBrady
What do I want 4 xmas? lets c … 3 rings. 2 mvps. 10 Wife. Talent. Looks. Hella$. Oh, yeah … nothing.

Hella. $. Hella $. Look, Brady’s kinda douchy, but I don’t think he would even say Hella $.

Anyway, this was just a terrible idea. I don’t get the Twitter angle, first of all. It’s not like Rick Reilly’s actually on Twitter. I think it’s a thinly veiled way for him to write a typically short column by limiting himself to 140 characters.

Also, he totally didn’t get the point about this type of thing he’s trying to do. It was supposed to be a year in preview, but he just put a bunch of things happening now-ish (and some things that are old news even now)  into the future. It makes no sense. It was like he woke up and realized he had to write a column, didn’t have anything hokey to write about, and just shat this thing out.

Ah, glad to see you haven’t changed, my friend.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Iko permalink
    December 29, 2010 5:00 pm

    Glad to see you back giving Reilly what he deserves. RR is a menace and must be stopped. Or at least ridiculed. Happy holidays and happy new year.

  2. January 4, 2011 4:32 am

    Thank God you came back. I thought all of Reilly’s junk was going to float by without someone pointing out that he is an idiot. Also, I haven’t seen anyone mention that Reilly, after being adamant that Boise could go through the SEC undefeated and that the BCS was rigged against the Broncos, never mentioned Boise again after their loss. Not even in passing.

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